Hello there, lovelies!
This entry is unsurprisingly about fear.
I understand that this is a widely discussed topic. I am making no insinuations that I will be the first to uncover some never before seen aspect about feeling fear, but I have had fear coming up for me again and again. Because I know that humans are so connected, I figure that there are likely to be other people contemplating their fear.
As I am coercing myself away from food and towards more reasonable sources of comfort, fear is popping up like those plastic vermin in Whack-A-Mole on hard mode. Wait, is there "hard mode" for that game? I don't think those games even exist anymore. Anyway... fear is popping up with some frequency for me.
Fear certainly comes with big life decisions and changes, but it also comes in less obvious times. A good example is procrastination. Putting off homework, or not going to the doctor to take care of a cold, or not asking a professor questions when one is confused, or prolonging a date with a friend, or not sending out a e-mail to a family member. There may be a multitude of reasons why people engage in these small and daily procrastinations, but the one common element among each situation is fear. Resistance is caused again and again by fear.
I imagine a hero faced with a great enemy (most-likely an awesome dragon). There are small drops of sweat forming atop their skin, their body is becoming hot and their breath quickens. They have the ability to get this over with quickly and efficiently, but, they can't. Their feet, once so nimble while being coached by Ninja masters and Wizards, are locked in place.
Of course this would never actually happen to some BAMF that trained with Ninja masters and Wizards (and when I say BAMF, you know that I mean Bubbly Amaretto Milk Fairies, right?). BUT, for us normies who only deal with e-mails and other such less-than-dragon-status things, there is still a disengaging that happens where we forfeit our ability and suddenly, we can't send out a two-lined message-- it is as if our "feet" cannot move. This is fear.
But, most humans are not truly afraid of things like e-mails, it's deeper than that. Before you start to berate yourself for fearing simple tasks that "everyone else seems capable of doing fine", know that there is nothing wrong with you. Everyone-- and I mean everyone-- has things which they fixate on for seemingly unreasonable reasons.
Like most people, during my childhood I was treated with irregular bouts of idiocy by my parents in regards to my emotions. I was being selfish if I was upset by something and told so. I was unpleasant and pushed away if I became angry. These and many more examples told my wittle child brain that being open about emotions sometimes meant that I would not be accepted by my parents. So, sometimes, I would try to stop expressing myself which resulted in my expressing myself later over things that had nothing to do with the initial upsetting event.
I remember once being very finicky about a tissue. It wasn't right for some reason and I started crying. My father aptly commented "You're getting upset over a tissue?"
I was shamed and embarrassed at that moment, but I can reply now that, no, Dad, OF COURSE I am not upset over a tissue. Who gets upset over a tissue? It is quite obviously something entirely else that was brought up by my 5-year-old-child frustration with the tissue.
My point here is that there are more things in life that are metaphorical than just poems and political cartoons from the New Yorker. There are many things that represent more than they appear to be. Fear of starting an assignment is not really about writing those 500 words. Of course it's not about that. But fearing being examined or criticized by a professor after you turn it in is a very legitimate thing to be fearful of. Learning that you can grow from criticism and not break into pieces is an important part of life. That's real. That's something fear-worthy.
Feeling fear is important and allows us to grow perspective on different aspects of life. The thing that seems to be running rampant, though, is fearing the feeling of fear.
Television shows for children seem to be pretty understanding about fear. When one watches shows for adults, though, fear becomes something to be ashamed of. A man showing his fear of something is treated almost like a rebuke of his manhood and a woman is portrayed as child-like. But, our humanity is not something which we grow out of nor should it be. We don't get to pick and choose which things about our racial make-up. We can try to push certain feelings away and insist that they don't exist or chastise ourselves or each other for simply feeling things or we can practice acceptance of who we are.
I'm not talking about harmful behaviors that sometimes accompany fear. I'm writing about the way we put barriers against just feeling fear. When we don't push it away or try to make it stronger, fear is like all other emotions: something which comes to us in response to life, will linger as long as it needs to, and then will recede and be replaced by the next response.
This takes a kind of honesty that requires practice. Perhaps especially for men, having confidence that it is perfectly okay to feel what you will is difficult. Cultures tend to minimize how much men are allowed to feel without having negative stigmas placed upon them.
But to women and men alike, I say rebel. Rebel against any force that tries to make you less human or at least makes you pretend that you are. Not "rebel and flip cars over and light shrubbery on fire", but "rebel and feel all that you will and offer no apologies about it". Knowing that you are worth any criticism of another who (as Dr.Seuss would say) "mind" (and therefore "don't matter"), is one of the most self-loving things you can do. If honestly feeling what you feel includes fear, then feel it. When you do, those "small" things suddenly are less scary. They are more easily approachable because you come to know that the fear of them is okay; that you are okay no matter what you feel; you stop being someone to fight against.
Here's to being.
-Kat
